You know you an relate to this

:lmfao:
________________________________________________




the truth about BLACK WHITE & HISPANIC people... LoL!!!



10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not White.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
8. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. O. J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Dying your hair blonde is not normal

And this to :dance:
__________________________________________________ _______________



Oil Change instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00
*****************************


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7-ELEVEN and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil---splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!

#10 is missing........

I've seen it on another forum before, it's pretty funny :)

10. Dying your hair blonde is not normal




:damnit:

Fixed it for ya ;)

now you have your very own thread to post jokes in :euross:

And all you need is a mirror




:alcoholic::chrisporn:

you two

The defence withdraws the last comment ,
No further questions :wavey:

Post you're jokes here.


let's see tEh funnay!



Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?


A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! .

I'm sorry. What was the question?

:lmfao:

One day Fred, a retired City Maitenance Worker, decided he had worked all his life and never had anything special, decided he was going to go buy a Corvette. After the test drive and cutting a good deal, Fred was pleased with himself and decided to take a joyride. He was out on secluded highway and decided he wanted to stretch its legs a little. He passed by a highway patrol officer doing around 90 and the officer began chase. Fred became daring and gave it some more gas leading the officer on a 10 mile chase. Fred then came to his senses and decided to pull on over. When the officer finally caught up he approached he vehicle. He looked at Fred dissapointedly and told him " OK sir look here. My shift ended 5 minutes ago and I have matters to attend so If you can give me one good excuse as to why you were speeding and decided to run from me then I might give you a break". Fred looked at the officer and replied, "well, sir it's like this my wife left me about six months ago for a highway patrolman that looks alot like you, when I saw you I thought you were trying to bring her back". The officer trying to contain himself merely told Fred , "have a nice day sir"

One day Jim was sitting at a bar enjoying himself a few after hours drinks. A man with a large case, dressed in a long trench coat, walked in and sat next to him and ordered a drink. After a few drinks the men were chatting when the man with the case mentioned he was a professional hitman. Jim intrigued asked to see his weapon. The man opened the case to reveal his sniper rifle with large scope. Jim asked the man if he could see through the scope as he thought he might be able to see his house through it. The man agreed and let Jim look through it. Jim was looking through the scope amazed at its reach and happened to gaze in his bedroom window. "son of a Bitch" Jim screamed, "My neighbor is in my bedroom kissing my wife!" Jim asked how much the man charged to shoot the man in the dick and his wife in the head. The man said 1500 per shot. Jim agreed and the two went out to take the shot. After a few minutes of gazing through the scope Jim asked what was taking so long. The man then replied, " I was waiting for the shot because I think I can save you 1500 by just making one shot now"

:lmfao:

Making a Baby

>

> > The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a* surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy
> > father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."

> >* Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

> > "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''


> > "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
> > "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
> >
> > "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a* seat"
> >
> > After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
> >
> > "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
>>* *You can really spread out there."

> > "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry And me!"
> > "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> >* I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

> > "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
> > "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
> >
> > "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
> > The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
> > "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so
> > difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

> > "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
> > "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement."Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
> > The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

> > Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.

> > Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment?"

> > "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

> > "Tripod?"































































> > "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."


> > Mrs. Smith fainted

* * * *:fawkdance: :lmfao:

A very ugly woman walks into WalMart with her two kids.

The WalMart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "It's just hard to believe you got laid twice.

GothImportKiller: good
D Ranged 691: yeah
D Ranged 691: that's what my boyfriend says
GothImportKiller: I didn't know that a vibrator can talk
GothImportKiller: LOL
D Ranged 691: FUCK YOU!

>
>Two guys are chatting in a bar. One says "Did you know that lions have
sex
>10 to 15 times a night?"
>
>"Shit!," Says his friend. "And I just joined The Elks
>